Why Do I Feel Like Different Versions of Myself in Different Situations? – Part 2
By Regina Kerrigan, LCPC, NCC
This is the second part of a 3-part series in which I discuss the topic of noticing different versions of yourself. As I covered in Part 1, it’s quite normal to make minor adjustments and self-edits to your behaviors and demeanor depending on who’s around you. For Part 2, I’ll dig a little bit into masking and some reasons people might mask in social contexts.
There’s been a lot of talk in pop psychology in recent years about masking. To me, it’s always been a really interesting term because it conveys a vivid picture of the experience, yet for people who do not feel a need to mask, the term can be a bit mystifying and vague. Let’s start with the basics: Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines the verb mask in this way:
1: to provide or conceal (someone or something) with a mask: such as
a: to conceal (something) from view
b: to make (something) indistinct or imperceptible
c: to hide or conceal (something, such as one's motives or feelings)
While these definitions seem to suggest that masking is a purposeful and intentional behavior, in most cases, masking is an ingrained, more automatic behavior that results from a years-long conditioning process.
Neurodivergence and Masking
What leads people to mask? There are many reasons, but neurodevelopmental concerns like autism and ADHD are most commonly associated with masking.
In Part 1 of this blog series, I touched on the human need for belonging and the helpful-for-survival ability to blend in with our social group. Neurodivergence often presents challenges in this area because of the way neurodivergence wires the brain to prefer the concrete over the abstract, and to prefer the black-and-white over the gray area. Social cues and the implied meanings that can frequently dominate conversation, without much awareness for neurotypical folks, can be a part of life that neurodivergent folks have to consciously learn and spend a great deal of energy paying attention to. Over time, many autistic people and some ADHD’ers (often unconsciously) learn to filter out certain aspects of themselves and consciously add in more socially acceptable ways of relating to others.
This is a process that they have learned through many micro-experiences of feeling unaccepted or even rejected by their social group, by picking up on the confusion and fallout of micro-moments of miscommunication (which often manifests as the neurotypical group subtly pulling-away or shutting-out). Although learning to mask can be an unconscious process, it still demands an exhausting level of vigilance and has been linked to mental health concerns like depression and anxiety, among others.
Some neurotypical introverts may be able to relate to this on some level but for different reasons.
If this is something that particularly resonates with you, I encourage you to continue to learn more and seek out a therapist who can help you start to untangle the impact of autistic and/or ADHD masking. A therapist who has extensive knowledge about neurodivergence and masking would be most helpful, and we have a lot of awesome ones in the Frederick area.
Here is a more in-depth overview of autistic masking if you’d like to keep learning.
Trauma/Mental Health and Masking
Masking doesn’t just show up in the context of neurodivergence. People with trauma histories, anxiety, depression, addictions, or other mental health concerns often find themselves masking too, sometimes without even realizing it.
For example, someone who grew up in a home where emotional expression wasn’t safe may have learned early on to hide feelings of sadness, anger, or fear. (I touched on this in Part 1.) Over time, this becomes second nature: smiling when you’re hurting, acting “fine” when you’re overwhelmed, or trying to appear agreeable when you’re internally distressed. Similarly, people who live with social anxiety may consciously (or unconsciously) “put on a face” that looks calm and confident while internally battling racing thoughts or panic symptoms.
In many cases, that cycle overlaps with dissociation. A “dissociative profile” refers to the extent to which someone dissociates—a universal human experience that exists on a dimensional spectrum. For instance, most of us know what it feels like to act differently with a boss than with an old college friend, or to drive home on autopilot and suddenly realize we don’t remember much of the trip. (I’ll explore dissociative profiles in more detail in Part 3 of this series.)
Masking mental health concerns like depression and anxiety is also largely influenced by the overwhelming stigma that exists around these topics. While mainstream culture is gradually moving in the right direction of acknowledging the common human experience of depression, anxiety, addiction, and more, actually being open about the level of distress these issues cause can feel like too great of an emotional risk. It’s also completely valid to choose which trusted people in your life you feel safe or comfortable enough to lift the mask around.
More Reasons for Masking: Historically Excluded Groups
Masking can also show up around identity. For people exploring gender or sexual identity, it may feel safe to be authentic in some spaces but necessary to hide or downplay aspects of themselves in others. That constant shift between expression and concealment can be both exhausting and disorienting, especially when the stakes for being “found out” are very real.
Similarly, cultural and societal expectations play a powerful role in shaping how and when people mask. Experiences of racism, sexism, or other systemic biases can teach individuals to suppress parts of themselves in order to avoid judgment, discrimination, or harm. While this is often a wise survival strategy, the long-term toll can be high. Often, people identify with intersectional groups, which can increase the pressure to mask.
If this resonates with you, I encourage you to seek out a therapist who has experience supporting clients in navigating masking as a survival strategy in the face of systemic racism, homophobia, or other forms of oppression.
I chose to include this section because these realities are deeply impactful for many people. At the same time, as a white, cisgender woman with privilege, I want to acknowledge that it wouldn’t be appropriate for me to position myself as an authority on these lived experiences. Rather than speaking over the voices of those directly affected, I’d prefer to point you toward the work of activists and writers who bring both expertise and lived perspective to these topics.
Here are just a few:
LGBTQ People Are Experts at Wearing Masks, James Finn
Unmasking My Autism & My Queerness, Ella Willis
Removing the Mask: Wearing Our True Identities Builds an Inclusive Culture, Michelle Silverthorn
